hello, how have you been?

 Day 4 of 30 days writing challenge : A place I want to visit

If you know me you probably already know how much I love to travel. Perhaps I’ve told you once I dreamt of travelling the world. I dream of seeing the northern lights and diving deep into the coral reefs of bunaken. Or seeing sakura in full bloom in the picturesque Kyoto.

Now I think I’ve been to a lot of places. (But not those three I mentioned)

If you asked me, where else do I want to go?

My answer would be : I think anywhere is fine.

Every and each places are so enchanting. Different scents, different sounds, different food, different people. Just give it some time, and I’d fall in love with every city I have visited.

And with love, came heartbreaks—a hold in my heart knowing that I might never get to return. Once is never enough. Whenever you leave, a part of your heart remains.

But still, I’d travel and fall in love again.

And then, with heart worn out, I’d like to return home. I’d like to return to every home, where I left pieces of my heart behind.

I’d like to go back, to where there are familiar smiles. A place where I can find my favorite food on the table. A place where I can drink tea and have some biscuits.

A place where I can just sit, and ask, hello, how have you been?

 

the place in my memory

 Day 3 of 30 days writing challenge : A memory.

Somehow, I have such a vivid memory of my time spent in Kompleks Sesarehan Gunung Kawi (Kawi Mountain’s Temple Complex).

Back then, my parent had just divorced, and my mother brought me over to her best friend’s house. They were a Chinese-Indonesian couple who owned a traveler’s lodging house in the heart of one of Malang’s most famous pilgrimage site. My mother had to sustain us, so she had to leave to work somewhere far away. And so, there I was, by myself, in a stranger’s house, in an unknown place.

Yet, I remember it as one of the happiest times of my childhood.

Life in Gunung Kawi was simple.

Every morning I woke up, often shivering, inhaling the fresh mountain air. It was a long holiday before I started first grade of elementary school, so as a kid I naturally had all the time in the world for the day.

There was a never-ending friendly debate each morning between my new family—whether it is better to eat before you brush your teeth or brush your teeth before you eat. (Now, I believe in the first premise.)

The kind auntie liked me, since I was described as a smart and obedient kid, so I had no trouble with anyone. I had no friends to play with but there were a lot of cute, round turkeys I used to chase around in front of the house. I had a bag of frutella candies that I kept like a treasure, and I carefully ate them one by one, each day.

And every day, I went exploring.

Sesarehan Gunung Kawi was so festive, with all the red decorations, busybodies going on pilgrimages, candles, bells, souvenirs, and street foods all over the place. I think I might have been there on a special occasion. The bathhouse just beside my place was always steaming from the hot waters. Ginger drinks and hot meatballs plagued the place.

If I tread down the small road by the bath house, away from the main street, I’d find steps leading down a bamboo forest, with fresh river waters. People say the water was miraculous, so at the end of that road, there was another huge bathhouse in the middle of the bamboo forest.

If I come up the main stairs towards the mosque at the top of the hill, I’d see a lot of temples with red and white candles and charms and ribbons. The scent of incense was in the air. It was strange, now that I think of it, that the mosque and the temple were side by side, both merry with visitors. I just thought, it was interesting. And I kept going.

And one day, on one of those days, a big, big paper dragon and barongsai would dance down the steps, fluttering and jumping and blinking and turning their heads left, right, up and down, followed by so many costumed people dancing and playing festival instruments, with bright colors and loud musics.

It was such an enchanting time.

I visited the nice auntie a while ago. Sometimes I wish that place would just stay in my mind. Except for the nice auntie, everything else seemed to have faded. The nature, the food, the festivity. The colors. The sounds.

The bath house near the lodging house was in ruins, and a dog took shelter in the middle of a pouring rain.

How long was I there, back then? I was so small, so I have no idea.

The place in my memory, maybe it’s now all gone.

 

 

This might be why I love Spirited Away so damn much. Once upon a time, I, too was spirited away to some unknown land... then part with those I came to love.

the girl in love with the sky

 Day 1 and 2 of writing challenge :

Describe your personality and the things you love

First of all, I have no idea how to describe myself. But I’ll tell you a thing or two, maybe.

Some people say I am strange. But I don’t know what is strange, or what is not. What I do, is just what comes naturally to me. So… here comes!

Well, first of all, someone’s personality came from their genes, and their upbringing. I’ve no idea about genes, but I was raised by at least 7 different parents.

You can skip this part.

First I was raised by my biological parents; then they were too busy that I was basically raised by the grandmas of my neighborhood. Then things happened, that my mom had to raise me alone. Then, I was left at a really kind auntie and uncle’s house, which was a lodging house for travelers. Then, my grandma took me. Then my dad and my step mother took me. Then my brother and his wife took me.

And finally, my mom and step dad took me.

End of skippable part.

I grew up as an obedient and bright kid to whomever took me in, and growing up, I was interested in two things: books, especially those with pictures; and nature around me: plants, animals, and most importantly, the sky. I’ve no idea when, but I have always been so obsessed with the sky.

Well… Isn’t the sky always so pretty?

And how about now, you ask? Now…

Perhaps I am still the same, basically?

I am really curious, sometimes to a fault. I naturally crave to wander and see the world. People intrigue me, I’d like to know how they think, how they feel. Why they do what they do.

How did this world come to be? I wondered that. And why am I here? I still haven’t got any reason why.

And stories, are a peek to the worlds inside people’s mind. So how marvelous is that, that we can travel so many worlds at once?

I think I’m pretty transparent. I can’t lie for the life of me, or pretend. But I am very good at forgetting. And I am very good at spacing out. So that helps I guess?

With this transparent self, I can still carry a lot of secrets.

I think I’m pretty loyal, too. I’m one of those friends who will help you no matter what. I empathize a lot, so it’s also though sometimes.

Also, I think I’m pretty random. I’ve got reason for all I do, but I think, I’m too in love with this world? There are so many things and reasons you can find to do anything. I’m pretty strict with myself, and my values are something no one can negotiate with, but I’m really open to change.

And although I’m pretty bold with my choices, I hate to decide things for others. My choices are for myself, and I’ll carry the consequences, fully.

One more thing, I hate to notice my ego.

I love it when ‘I’ do not exist. I am simply a pair of eyes and a pair of ears. All the smells of the air may pass me by. My heart goes with the laughters, the chirps, the rustles of those around me.

I love it when a kid jumps into a bunch of gravels. I love it when the leaves spins, blown away by the wind. I love it when sun ray went into a dark room, and the dust dances, floating among themselves.

At times like that, I am most happy, by myself.

I guess like the sky, like the wind, they have no secrets. Sometimes they are bright, sometimes there are storms. They are always with you. They move endlessly.

There is no limit.

Maybe that’s how I want to be.

 

This is a few months old but I want to post it here... Writing challenge. It's not finished but I'll write more if I feel like it.

I'll post more as I go.

Sorry for deserting this blog for so long. (to no one in particular lol) 

Bonus : Water Lily

keraguan

Entahlah, mungkin karena aku merasa nggak ada yang mbaca blog ini. Rasanya pingin coba mempublikasikan hal-hal dalam pikiran, entahlah, mungkin ada orang asing nggak jelas yang tiba-tiba randomly membaca, aku nggak peduli, haha.

Sebenarnya blog ini merekam dengan cukup baik perkembangan pikiran dan pergolakanku, sejak jaman alay sampe sekarang. Tentu saja, semua itu di luar ranah privat. Dengan membaca blog ini mungkin kamu nggak akan menemukan cerita dengan nama. Namun tetap ada esensinya.

Mungkin juga cuma aku yang paham sebenernya, tapi ya persetanlah!

Selain blog ini aku menuangkan pikiran ke begitu banyak tempat. Buku kecil dengan kalimat satu baris, gambar-gambar, percakapan-percakapan, dan tentu saja jurnalku. Rasanya ingin selalu meminta maaf, akhir-akhir ini, karena pikiran yang kelewat aktif, kelewat anarkis. Ketika hal-hal yang dibendung akhirnya dilepaskan, aku pun megap-megap dan hampir tenggelam.

Dan akhir-akhir ini aku mulai menelusuri keyakinanku. Aku tumbuh di lingkungan yang begitu kacau, dimana tak ada orang yang dapat kuandalkan, maupun nilai turunan yang dapat kupegang erat. Bagaimana bisa? Pandangan orang-orang selalu berseberangan, dan tak jarang aku melihat mereka yang hanya memegang prinsip umum di bibir saja. Di hidup ini pilihannya hanya satu, bukan : Buatlah prinsipmu sendiri.

Jadi, ya itu yang kulakukan.

Aku biasa mendengarkan dengan netral, lalu memikirkan dan menyambungkan segala sesuatunya, memastikan bahwa itu benar. Kalau tidak, aku akan melupakannya. Nurut sih nurut, tapi pelan namun pasti aku mengembangkan pribadi yang keras kepala. Semua hal yang ada di dalam diri ini adalah hal-hal yang kupegang erat-erat, janji-janji yang kubuat dengan diri sendiri. Termasuk masalah agama dan moralitas.

Sialnya dengan selalu membuka pikiran adalah, kadang kamu bingung, dengan mana yang benar. Aku ingin percaya dengan seluruhnya, aku ingin beriman sepenuhnya. Untuk apa kita percaya namun setengah-setengah saja? Dan aku hanya akan percaya pada hal yang telah kutimbang baik-baik, yang dapat kupastikan kebenarannya dalam taraf tertentu. Aku stuck, diantara liberal dan konservativist--terlalu longgar bagi hamba taat, terlalu banyak bertanya. Namun juga terlalu kaku bagi sebagian yang lainnya, sok menjadi baik dan mengkhianati hasrat diri.

Tidak semua orang berpikiran sama, dan pada dasarnya aku tidak peduli. Prinsip moral dan agama bagiku adalah ranah privat yang jarang bergesekan satu sama lainnya--lakum dinukum waliyadin. Kita semua toh mungkin tidak memeluk Islam yang sama.

Namun aku akhirnya goyang juga, haha.

Orang yang kupilih menjadi bagian dari diriku, tidak berpikiran sama.

Aku tidak begitu ingin mengajak orang lain mengikutiku dengan buta. Namun bagaimana lagi, aku pun baru sadar aku begitu keras kepala. Aku menyampaikan argumenku tentang apa yang kuanggap paling baik, menyampaikan alasan panjang lebar dan pertimbanganku atas setiap darinya. Nahas, aku terlalu yakin, bahwa semua itu benar! Ya tentu saja, bukan? Kalau aku tidak yakin kalau itu benar, mana mungkin aku mengikutinya?

Tanpa sadar aku menyodorkan keyakinanku dengan begitu agresifnya. (Apakah aku agresif? Entahlah. Mungkin dia sudah lelah pula mendengarkannya. Lagipula ini pemikiran seumur hidup). Biasanya aku tidak peduli, namun kali ini berbeda. Ada seseorang yang kupilih. Aku ingin mengerti mengapa pilihan kami berbeda, dan apa yang ada di belakang keputusannya. Aku ingin percaya pada common sense-nya, pada judgement-nya. Aku ingin berdiskusi dan menemukan titik tengah, yang lebih baik dari yang sebelumnya kuputuskan.

Disini aku mulai bingung dengan batas individualitas. Apa yang mampu kutoleransi, dan apa yang tidak? Apa yang dapat kita berdua kompromikan, apa yang tidak?
Batas toleransiku pun ternyata begitu rendah. Aku bukan konservativist, namun sekali lagi, aku ingin percaya dan tunduk sepenuhnya pada kepercayaan yang telah kuputuskan.
Namun tidak baginya -- setiap orang memiliki jatah dosa masing-masing. Tidak ada manusia yang sempurna.
Mungkin itu benar. Aku terlalu idealis. Bukannya aku sendiri sempurna. Tapi mungkin aku perfeksionis. Selalu menganggap harus berusaha begitu keras mendekati kesempurnaan. Termasuk dalam hal agama. Kuanggap itu sebagai bukti keseriusanku. Meski dalam keadaan tak ideal pun.

Namun....ah, ya.
Sekali lagi, aku sedang bingung, kawan.

Semua logika ini, semua pertanyaan ini. Perlahan secara sadar tak sadar aku mulai mencoba merasionalisasi nilai moral orang lain. Aku mencoba menerima. Namun nahas, beberapa di antara mereka begitu bertentangan.

Di kasus ini, mungkin kami telah sepakat dalam batasan-batasan yang kami tetapkan.

Namun...
Begitu sulit bagiku untuk percaya, bahwa seseorang dapat mengikuti sesuatu yang tidak mereka setujui.

Takut. Lagi-lagi takut. Lagi -lagi susah percaya.
Salahkah aku? Sedang di masa lalu tak ada satu pun yang dapat kupercaya.
Mungkin manusia memang tempatnya salah.
Dan aku mengharapkan sesuatu yang terlalu sempurna.

Mungkin pula sebenarnya kami tidak seberbeda itu. Aku saja yang terlalu banyak berpikir jauh. Aku belum mampu memahaminya.

Apakah hal yang kuminta, terlalu berat?

Pantaskah aku memintanya?

Begitu berartinyakah diriku bagi seseorang untuk memahaminya, dan mengabulkannya?

Dulu aku tak pernah berharap.

Dan kini, aku takut.

Sembari menulis ini aku juga sadar. Ternyata aku ini idealis tingkat akut.
Maafkan.

how to console

When someone tells you about how they are having a hard time, never tell them about how some other guy had similar or worse problem and even they could survive!

Instead of encouraging them, you are just emphasizing their incapability in handling a problem, and saying that insignificant their struggle is insignificant. Summary : 'You are a loser.'

Instead, if you want to take another case as example, how about you try to know how the other person overcame their problem, and try to see if there's something that might be applicable to your friend's situation?

That way, it might cost a bit of an effort, but you will actually be useful, perhaps! And if there's nothing applicable, then just shut it.

Stop wringing out your fake sympathy--that you care about them when in fact you just want them to stop whining.

In the way that you wouldn't like your parents to compare you with your successful cousin, don't compare people's problem and underestimate them.

It's not like you are guaranteed to be able to handle it better, if you were in their shoes. To be able to consider how you would feel to be in their shoes--that's empathy, what you really need instead of mindless words.

Because more than anyone, they already cursed themselves enough.

experiencing everything for the first time

there's a joy in wonders, a wonder in discoveries.

Is it human nature to take everything for granted? To accept something incredible as normal, I guess, is needed for our survival, where adaptability may mean life or death in prehistoric times. We should be able to build knowledge into our instincts, to work and move efficiently without minding too much about our surroundings.

Slowly the child in us matured. Perhaps our inner psyche deemed us enough to survive without having to continuously learn, that we can move on and keep being alive just fine.

But with it comes also the lack of joy.

There's this video I watched, of a story of a man who lost the ability to feel. A dull world of nothingness where everything feels, means, seems the same. To recover, he had to have everything redefined to him, rederscribed and reassociated. By doing this, the other person and himself is forced to pay attention to the tiniest bit of everything, rediscovering textures and colors and smell and warmth, the details of all the sounds, the combination of the damp air and vivid colors and wet earth. The way each and every of these simple, tiny things contribute to our way of percepting everything, the delicate and complex ways our feelings are formed.

Perhaps this video is parallel to the way we live right now. Rushing through things and ignoring our senses, the tiny bits of stories. Emptiness had consumed us all in this over-saturated world.

Need we time to re-learn everything, once at a time?

To be able to always feel everything as if it's new...

Source : systemofadowney.tumblr.com

I always wondered how I did it before.

Maybe it's easier to always experience everything when you hold no prejudice, of preexisting knowledges, of expectations to yourself and everything around you. Like a child, and like an alien. Unconnected to this world, uncaring and unassuming.

Can we connect without taking away our wonders?

Let we try

a day of (postponed) mourning

I'm not sure since when, and I refused to think why.
There's the fact that I cry at the weirdest moments, at the randomest scene or musical notes, of things I should be smiling about...

I whined to myself, and always scolded myself for being a silly crybaby.

But not that day.

That day, I said enough is enough. Mindlessly, I indulged myself with isolation; the kind of slow, lazy day I dream of; of musics and strange articles and videos of my favorite musician talking about strange stuff, of washing the dishes with no rush, of all the coffee, tea, milk and chocolate I can make for myself, of books and movies I watch alone in an empty house.

I told myself, now we are alone. Now I allow you to feel anything. Now you don't have to hold back.

And I cried.

I cried at everything, at the music and the smiles, penguins and stars and baby giggles and tag games on the mountains. At the identity I shunned, at things I hid away. At the childhood I lost, the family I never had. At the image of partners doing their best against the world. About families supporting each other, about undying love and the purest of expressions. About death and life and everything in between.

I mourned, mourned and mourned, everything that I am, and everything that I am not. Everything that I have, and everything I do not have.
It's alright, I told myself, you can mourn. It's fine if you are upset with the way things are, were.

Since when? I buffed up, saying I never care whether my family is broken or anything, what fucking bullshit. That I have no problem always achieving perfection, that I deserved all the beatings I got for not getting 'perfect', I was such an idiot.

It's fine, I said, mourn all you want. And so I cried, from noon to sundown, sunrise to fall. I cried out the weight in my chest, cried myself dry and cried some more. Until my head is light and the ache subsides, until my nose runs and I inhale deep, deep breaths through my mouth, that my body relaxes and I thought I could just die, just like that, with that feeling of strange 'okay'ness, I wouldn't mind.

Then I woke up, got dressed, headed out and stared at the sky for a long time.

I allowed the storm fall from the heavy skies, and although it's not yet a clear sky, the sun rays left a pretty sight of a rainbow.

It was a light, warm, and comfortable feeling.

And you know what?

In the end, no one else can do it. It was I who picked myself up. The only one who fully understood, the extent of intrication and sorrow I dare not tell anyone. The only one who won't mind them all.

like that, I delivered my gratitudes and sorries. It's a long way from being finished, but this is enough for now. You are enough.

You are mighty fine.

about life and choices

Do you remember when we talked about alternate realities?
If for every choice we could make, there exists a pararrel reality, where things are so much more different, and every reality may be shaped by the choice of countless different lives, did we end up by pure fate, pure accident, right here right now?

If it can be said, the true you exist in one of those realities, that you chose, did both of us choose this? Or am I an alternate me, living in your dream, and you are an alternate you, living in my dream?

Is this the best version of us that we could've been?

There's this story idea I once heard, of what if before we lived, we were given a library where each book tells a different tale, of a live we could have, and as we exist, we may choose one to live in? Well, it's kinda nonsense and unfun too to me because if I already read the whole book then I might as well try a different story for the live adaptation, if all I can watch is one movie. Except maybe if the book is so so good that I am so deeply entranced by it, that I become a fan, but yeah enough about that because apparently now we're steering offroad hahahah. It's a good concept, though.

The concept makes me wonder if Lauh Mahfuz is the same way. The way God knows everything that happens, but we still have free will, does it mean life is some sort of multiplayer visual novel with impossibly intricate story branches, all recorded in The Book?

Well anyway. Just another random ponderings.

i'm just wondering

how long do I have to bear with missing you all the time





#lemmebecheesyforonce

It rained, a light trickle just enough to wet the earth and send a wave of petrichor up the damp air.
I rushed my bike home and ran to my window, eager to let it in. The familiar smell of soil, as the earth smiled, happiness evaporating into joyful lungs.