tolong, aku tidak tahan berada di sini
biarkan aku tidur
Kamis, 14 November 2019
Jumat, 04 Oktober 2019
Daydreams
I'm not sure what is happening
Rabbits and mice, apple and pine, stripes and dots, shoes and socks
A melon falls
The rock so sturdy and the soil so soft
Rain comes and it smells so nice
The cat smiles and chews some grass
The princess sits and reads
With a stray baby of a lion,
Yawning and stretching
A wolf pack howls,
A whale sings,
A sparrow chatters,
The human hums
I'll walk slowly and nod along
Rabbits and mice, apple and pine, stripes and dots, shoes and socks
A melon falls
The rock so sturdy and the soil so soft
Rain comes and it smells so nice
The cat smiles and chews some grass
The princess sits and reads
With a stray baby of a lion,
Yawning and stretching
A wolf pack howls,
A whale sings,
A sparrow chatters,
The human hums
I'll walk slowly and nod along
Rabu, 02 Oktober 2019
note to the hatter(2)
hatter,
you always remind me of the skies
and how pretty everything is
when I look up at night,
I hope you never forget it too
(I guess you wont!)
that we longed to fly.
you always remind me of the skies
and how pretty everything is
when I look up at night,
I hope you never forget it too
(I guess you wont!)
that we longed to fly.
note to the hatter
hatter,
I miss all those walks we took,
the long journeys
with bonfires
and fireflies
and stars
and strange mushrooms,
of conversations with the roses
and the clouds
and the fly-horses,
of days staring into the sky,
the thirteen-colored rainbow
shooting so high,
hatter,
are our roads still there?
overgrown and muddy,
but can we track it down?
now I'd like to go somewhere
I'd like to find the way,
write it down and send them to you,
in letters with envelopes
the color of the earth, and grasses, and skies
but I can't find the roads,
there are old maps
I have to decipher,
and for that, strange languages
I have to learn,
hatter,
where are you now?
did you find what you wanted?
now that I know what I want,
I am more clueless than ever
hatter.
I miss being lost
I miss all those walks we took,
the long journeys
with bonfires
and fireflies
and stars
and strange mushrooms,
of conversations with the roses
and the clouds
and the fly-horses,
of days staring into the sky,
the thirteen-colored rainbow
shooting so high,
hatter,
are our roads still there?
overgrown and muddy,
but can we track it down?
now I'd like to go somewhere
I'd like to find the way,
write it down and send them to you,
in letters with envelopes
the color of the earth, and grasses, and skies
but I can't find the roads,
there are old maps
I have to decipher,
and for that, strange languages
I have to learn,
hatter,
where are you now?
did you find what you wanted?
now that I know what I want,
I am more clueless than ever
hatter.
I miss being lost
lamps in the daylight
But you don't belong here, my dear
Perhaps we ought to rush into the night
Banish the darkness they all fear
Kamis, 26 September 2019
keraguan
Entahlah, mungkin karena aku merasa nggak ada yang mbaca blog ini. Rasanya pingin coba mempublikasikan hal-hal dalam pikiran, entahlah, mungkin ada orang asing nggak jelas yang tiba-tiba randomly membaca, aku nggak peduli, haha.
Sebenarnya blog ini merekam dengan cukup baik perkembangan pikiran dan pergolakanku, sejak jaman alay sampe sekarang. Tentu saja, semua itu di luar ranah privat. Dengan membaca blog ini mungkin kamu nggak akan menemukan cerita dengan nama. Namun tetap ada esensinya.
Mungkin juga cuma aku yang paham sebenernya, tapi ya persetanlah!
Selain blog ini aku menuangkan pikiran ke begitu banyak tempat. Buku kecil dengan kalimat satu baris, gambar-gambar, percakapan-percakapan, dan tentu saja jurnalku. Rasanya ingin selalu meminta maaf, akhir-akhir ini, karena pikiran yang kelewat aktif, kelewat anarkis. Ketika hal-hal yang dibendung akhirnya dilepaskan, aku pun megap-megap dan hampir tenggelam.
Dan akhir-akhir ini aku mulai menelusuri keyakinanku. Aku tumbuh di lingkungan yang begitu kacau, dimana tak ada orang yang dapat kuandalkan, maupun nilai turunan yang dapat kupegang erat. Bagaimana bisa? Pandangan orang-orang selalu berseberangan, dan tak jarang aku melihat mereka yang hanya memegang prinsip umum di bibir saja. Di hidup ini pilihannya hanya satu, bukan : Buatlah prinsipmu sendiri.
Jadi, ya itu yang kulakukan.
Aku biasa mendengarkan dengan netral, lalu memikirkan dan menyambungkan segala sesuatunya, memastikan bahwa itu benar. Kalau tidak, aku akan melupakannya. Nurut sih nurut, tapi pelan namun pasti aku mengembangkan pribadi yang keras kepala. Semua hal yang ada di dalam diri ini adalah hal-hal yang kupegang erat-erat, janji-janji yang kubuat dengan diri sendiri. Termasuk masalah agama dan moralitas.
Sialnya dengan selalu membuka pikiran adalah, kadang kamu bingung, dengan mana yang benar. Aku ingin percaya dengan seluruhnya, aku ingin beriman sepenuhnya. Untuk apa kita percaya namun setengah-setengah saja? Dan aku hanya akan percaya pada hal yang telah kutimbang baik-baik, yang dapat kupastikan kebenarannya dalam taraf tertentu. Aku stuck, diantara liberal dan konservativist--terlalu longgar bagi hamba taat, terlalu banyak bertanya. Namun juga terlalu kaku bagi sebagian yang lainnya, sok menjadi baik dan mengkhianati hasrat diri.
Tidak semua orang berpikiran sama, dan pada dasarnya aku tidak peduli. Prinsip moral dan agama bagiku adalah ranah privat yang jarang bergesekan satu sama lainnya--lakum dinukum waliyadin. Kita semua toh mungkin tidak memeluk Islam yang sama.
Namun aku akhirnya goyang juga, haha.
Orang yang kupilih menjadi bagian dari diriku, tidak berpikiran sama.
Aku tidak begitu ingin mengajak orang lain mengikutiku dengan buta. Namun bagaimana lagi, aku pun baru sadar aku begitu keras kepala. Aku menyampaikan argumenku tentang apa yang kuanggap paling baik, menyampaikan alasan panjang lebar dan pertimbanganku atas setiap darinya. Nahas, aku terlalu yakin, bahwa semua itu benar! Ya tentu saja, bukan? Kalau aku tidak yakin kalau itu benar, mana mungkin aku mengikutinya?
Tanpa sadar aku menyodorkan keyakinanku dengan begitu agresifnya. (Apakah aku agresif? Entahlah. Mungkin dia sudah lelah pula mendengarkannya. Lagipula ini pemikiran seumur hidup). Biasanya aku tidak peduli, namun kali ini berbeda. Ada seseorang yang kupilih. Aku ingin mengerti mengapa pilihan kami berbeda, dan apa yang ada di belakang keputusannya. Aku ingin percaya pada common sense-nya, pada judgement-nya. Aku ingin berdiskusi dan menemukan titik tengah, yang lebih baik dari yang sebelumnya kuputuskan.
Disini aku mulai bingung dengan batas individualitas. Apa yang mampu kutoleransi, dan apa yang tidak? Apa yang dapat kita berdua kompromikan, apa yang tidak?
Batas toleransiku pun ternyata begitu rendah. Aku bukan konservativist, namun sekali lagi, aku ingin percaya dan tunduk sepenuhnya pada kepercayaan yang telah kuputuskan.
Namun tidak baginya -- setiap orang memiliki jatah dosa masing-masing. Tidak ada manusia yang sempurna.
Mungkin itu benar. Aku terlalu idealis. Bukannya aku sendiri sempurna. Tapi mungkin aku perfeksionis. Selalu menganggap harus berusaha begitu keras mendekati kesempurnaan. Termasuk dalam hal agama. Kuanggap itu sebagai bukti keseriusanku. Meski dalam keadaan tak ideal pun.
Namun....ah, ya.
Sekali lagi, aku sedang bingung, kawan.
Semua logika ini, semua pertanyaan ini. Perlahan secara sadar tak sadar aku mulai mencoba merasionalisasi nilai moral orang lain. Aku mencoba menerima. Namun nahas, beberapa di antara mereka begitu bertentangan.
Di kasus ini, mungkin kami telah sepakat dalam batasan-batasan yang kami tetapkan.
Namun...
Begitu sulit bagiku untuk percaya, bahwa seseorang dapat mengikuti sesuatu yang tidak mereka setujui.
Takut. Lagi-lagi takut. Lagi -lagi susah percaya.
Salahkah aku? Sedang di masa lalu tak ada satu pun yang dapat kupercaya.
Mungkin manusia memang tempatnya salah.
Dan aku mengharapkan sesuatu yang terlalu sempurna.
Mungkin pula sebenarnya kami tidak seberbeda itu. Aku saja yang terlalu banyak berpikir jauh. Aku belum mampu memahaminya.
Apakah hal yang kuminta, terlalu berat?
Pantaskah aku memintanya?
Begitu berartinyakah diriku bagi seseorang untuk memahaminya, dan mengabulkannya?
Dulu aku tak pernah berharap.
Dan kini, aku takut.
Sembari menulis ini aku juga sadar. Ternyata aku ini idealis tingkat akut.
Maafkan.
Sebenarnya blog ini merekam dengan cukup baik perkembangan pikiran dan pergolakanku, sejak jaman alay sampe sekarang. Tentu saja, semua itu di luar ranah privat. Dengan membaca blog ini mungkin kamu nggak akan menemukan cerita dengan nama. Namun tetap ada esensinya.
Mungkin juga cuma aku yang paham sebenernya, tapi ya persetanlah!
Selain blog ini aku menuangkan pikiran ke begitu banyak tempat. Buku kecil dengan kalimat satu baris, gambar-gambar, percakapan-percakapan, dan tentu saja jurnalku. Rasanya ingin selalu meminta maaf, akhir-akhir ini, karena pikiran yang kelewat aktif, kelewat anarkis. Ketika hal-hal yang dibendung akhirnya dilepaskan, aku pun megap-megap dan hampir tenggelam.
Dan akhir-akhir ini aku mulai menelusuri keyakinanku. Aku tumbuh di lingkungan yang begitu kacau, dimana tak ada orang yang dapat kuandalkan, maupun nilai turunan yang dapat kupegang erat. Bagaimana bisa? Pandangan orang-orang selalu berseberangan, dan tak jarang aku melihat mereka yang hanya memegang prinsip umum di bibir saja. Di hidup ini pilihannya hanya satu, bukan : Buatlah prinsipmu sendiri.
Jadi, ya itu yang kulakukan.
Aku biasa mendengarkan dengan netral, lalu memikirkan dan menyambungkan segala sesuatunya, memastikan bahwa itu benar. Kalau tidak, aku akan melupakannya. Nurut sih nurut, tapi pelan namun pasti aku mengembangkan pribadi yang keras kepala. Semua hal yang ada di dalam diri ini adalah hal-hal yang kupegang erat-erat, janji-janji yang kubuat dengan diri sendiri. Termasuk masalah agama dan moralitas.
Sialnya dengan selalu membuka pikiran adalah, kadang kamu bingung, dengan mana yang benar. Aku ingin percaya dengan seluruhnya, aku ingin beriman sepenuhnya. Untuk apa kita percaya namun setengah-setengah saja? Dan aku hanya akan percaya pada hal yang telah kutimbang baik-baik, yang dapat kupastikan kebenarannya dalam taraf tertentu. Aku stuck, diantara liberal dan konservativist--terlalu longgar bagi hamba taat, terlalu banyak bertanya. Namun juga terlalu kaku bagi sebagian yang lainnya, sok menjadi baik dan mengkhianati hasrat diri.
Tidak semua orang berpikiran sama, dan pada dasarnya aku tidak peduli. Prinsip moral dan agama bagiku adalah ranah privat yang jarang bergesekan satu sama lainnya--lakum dinukum waliyadin. Kita semua toh mungkin tidak memeluk Islam yang sama.
Namun aku akhirnya goyang juga, haha.
Orang yang kupilih menjadi bagian dari diriku, tidak berpikiran sama.
Aku tidak begitu ingin mengajak orang lain mengikutiku dengan buta. Namun bagaimana lagi, aku pun baru sadar aku begitu keras kepala. Aku menyampaikan argumenku tentang apa yang kuanggap paling baik, menyampaikan alasan panjang lebar dan pertimbanganku atas setiap darinya. Nahas, aku terlalu yakin, bahwa semua itu benar! Ya tentu saja, bukan? Kalau aku tidak yakin kalau itu benar, mana mungkin aku mengikutinya?
Tanpa sadar aku menyodorkan keyakinanku dengan begitu agresifnya. (Apakah aku agresif? Entahlah. Mungkin dia sudah lelah pula mendengarkannya. Lagipula ini pemikiran seumur hidup). Biasanya aku tidak peduli, namun kali ini berbeda. Ada seseorang yang kupilih. Aku ingin mengerti mengapa pilihan kami berbeda, dan apa yang ada di belakang keputusannya. Aku ingin percaya pada common sense-nya, pada judgement-nya. Aku ingin berdiskusi dan menemukan titik tengah, yang lebih baik dari yang sebelumnya kuputuskan.
Disini aku mulai bingung dengan batas individualitas. Apa yang mampu kutoleransi, dan apa yang tidak? Apa yang dapat kita berdua kompromikan, apa yang tidak?
Batas toleransiku pun ternyata begitu rendah. Aku bukan konservativist, namun sekali lagi, aku ingin percaya dan tunduk sepenuhnya pada kepercayaan yang telah kuputuskan.
Namun tidak baginya -- setiap orang memiliki jatah dosa masing-masing. Tidak ada manusia yang sempurna.
Mungkin itu benar. Aku terlalu idealis. Bukannya aku sendiri sempurna. Tapi mungkin aku perfeksionis. Selalu menganggap harus berusaha begitu keras mendekati kesempurnaan. Termasuk dalam hal agama. Kuanggap itu sebagai bukti keseriusanku. Meski dalam keadaan tak ideal pun.
Namun....ah, ya.
Sekali lagi, aku sedang bingung, kawan.
Semua logika ini, semua pertanyaan ini. Perlahan secara sadar tak sadar aku mulai mencoba merasionalisasi nilai moral orang lain. Aku mencoba menerima. Namun nahas, beberapa di antara mereka begitu bertentangan.
Di kasus ini, mungkin kami telah sepakat dalam batasan-batasan yang kami tetapkan.
Namun...
Begitu sulit bagiku untuk percaya, bahwa seseorang dapat mengikuti sesuatu yang tidak mereka setujui.
Takut. Lagi-lagi takut. Lagi -lagi susah percaya.
Salahkah aku? Sedang di masa lalu tak ada satu pun yang dapat kupercaya.
Mungkin manusia memang tempatnya salah.
Dan aku mengharapkan sesuatu yang terlalu sempurna.
Mungkin pula sebenarnya kami tidak seberbeda itu. Aku saja yang terlalu banyak berpikir jauh. Aku belum mampu memahaminya.
Apakah hal yang kuminta, terlalu berat?
Pantaskah aku memintanya?
Begitu berartinyakah diriku bagi seseorang untuk memahaminya, dan mengabulkannya?
Dulu aku tak pernah berharap.
Dan kini, aku takut.
Sembari menulis ini aku juga sadar. Ternyata aku ini idealis tingkat akut.
Maafkan.
Senin, 09 September 2019
field mice
A nice funfact I discovered today :
Field mice likes to seek pollen in flowers and fall asleep in them!
It's so cute.
Field mice likes to seek pollen in flowers and fall asleep in them!
It's so cute.
how to console
When someone tells you about how they are having a hard time, never tell them about how some other guy had similar or worse problem and even they could survive!
Instead of encouraging them, you are just emphasizing their incapability in handling a problem, and saying that insignificant their struggle is insignificant. Summary : 'You are a loser.'
Instead, if you want to take another case as example, how about you try to know how the other person overcame their problem, and try to see if there's something that might be applicable to your friend's situation?
That way, it might cost a bit of an effort, but you will actually be useful, perhaps! And if there's nothing applicable, then just shut it.
Stop wringing out your fake sympathy--that you care about them when in fact you just want them to stop whining.
In the way that you wouldn't like your parents to compare you with your successful cousin, don't compare people's problem and underestimate them.
It's not like you are guaranteed to be able to handle it better, if you were in their shoes. To be able to consider how you would feel to be in their shoes--that's empathy, what you really need instead of mindless words.
Because more than anyone, they already cursed themselves enough.
Instead of encouraging them, you are just emphasizing their incapability in handling a problem, and saying that insignificant their struggle is insignificant. Summary : 'You are a loser.'
Instead, if you want to take another case as example, how about you try to know how the other person overcame their problem, and try to see if there's something that might be applicable to your friend's situation?
That way, it might cost a bit of an effort, but you will actually be useful, perhaps! And if there's nothing applicable, then just shut it.
Stop wringing out your fake sympathy--that you care about them when in fact you just want them to stop whining.
In the way that you wouldn't like your parents to compare you with your successful cousin, don't compare people's problem and underestimate them.
It's not like you are guaranteed to be able to handle it better, if you were in their shoes. To be able to consider how you would feel to be in their shoes--that's empathy, what you really need instead of mindless words.
Because more than anyone, they already cursed themselves enough.
Kamis, 29 Agustus 2019
experiencing everything for the first time
there's a joy in wonders, a wonder in discoveries.
Is it human nature to take everything for granted? To accept something incredible as normal, I guess, is needed for our survival, where adaptability may mean life or death in prehistoric times. We should be able to build knowledge into our instincts, to work and move efficiently without minding too much about our surroundings.
Slowly the child in us matured. Perhaps our inner psyche deemed us enough to survive without having to continuously learn, that we can move on and keep being alive just fine.
But with it comes also the lack of joy.
There's this video I watched, of a story of a man who lost the ability to feel. A dull world of nothingness where everything feels, means, seems the same. To recover, he had to have everything redefined to him, rederscribed and reassociated. By doing this, the other person and himself is forced to pay attention to the tiniest bit of everything, rediscovering textures and colors and smell and warmth, the details of all the sounds, the combination of the damp air and vivid colors and wet earth. The way each and every of these simple, tiny things contribute to our way of percepting everything, the delicate and complex ways our feelings are formed.
Perhaps this video is parallel to the way we live right now. Rushing through things and ignoring our senses, the tiny bits of stories. Emptiness had consumed us all in this over-saturated world.
Need we time to re-learn everything, once at a time?
To be able to always feel everything as if it's new...
I always wondered how I did it before.
Maybe it's easier to always experience everything when you hold no prejudice, of preexisting knowledges, of expectations to yourself and everything around you. Like a child, and like an alien. Unconnected to this world, uncaring and unassuming.
Can we connect without taking away our wonders?
Let we try
Is it human nature to take everything for granted? To accept something incredible as normal, I guess, is needed for our survival, where adaptability may mean life or death in prehistoric times. We should be able to build knowledge into our instincts, to work and move efficiently without minding too much about our surroundings.
Slowly the child in us matured. Perhaps our inner psyche deemed us enough to survive without having to continuously learn, that we can move on and keep being alive just fine.
But with it comes also the lack of joy.
There's this video I watched, of a story of a man who lost the ability to feel. A dull world of nothingness where everything feels, means, seems the same. To recover, he had to have everything redefined to him, rederscribed and reassociated. By doing this, the other person and himself is forced to pay attention to the tiniest bit of everything, rediscovering textures and colors and smell and warmth, the details of all the sounds, the combination of the damp air and vivid colors and wet earth. The way each and every of these simple, tiny things contribute to our way of percepting everything, the delicate and complex ways our feelings are formed.
Perhaps this video is parallel to the way we live right now. Rushing through things and ignoring our senses, the tiny bits of stories. Emptiness had consumed us all in this over-saturated world.
Need we time to re-learn everything, once at a time?
To be able to always feel everything as if it's new...
Source : systemofadowney.tumblr.com
I always wondered how I did it before.
Maybe it's easier to always experience everything when you hold no prejudice, of preexisting knowledges, of expectations to yourself and everything around you. Like a child, and like an alien. Unconnected to this world, uncaring and unassuming.
Can we connect without taking away our wonders?
Let we try
Sabtu, 17 Agustus 2019
a day of (postponed) mourning
I'm not sure since when, and I refused to think why.
There's the fact that I cry at the weirdest moments, at the randomest scene or musical notes, of things I should be smiling about...
I whined to myself, and always scolded myself for being a silly crybaby.
But not that day.
That day, I said enough is enough. Mindlessly, I indulged myself with isolation; the kind of slow, lazy day I dream of; of musics and strange articles and videos of my favorite musician talking about strange stuff, of washing the dishes with no rush, of all the coffee, tea, milk and chocolate I can make for myself, of books and movies I watch alone in an empty house.
I told myself, now we are alone. Now I allow you to feel anything. Now you don't have to hold back.
And I cried.
I cried at everything, at the music and the smiles, penguins and stars and baby giggles and tag games on the mountains. At the identity I shunned, at things I hid away. At the childhood I lost, the family I never had. At the image of partners doing their best against the world. About families supporting each other, about undying love and the purest of expressions. About death and life and everything in between.
I mourned, mourned and mourned, everything that I am, and everything that I am not. Everything that I have, and everything I do not have.
It's alright, I told myself, you can mourn. It's fine if you are upset with the way things are, were.
Since when? I buffed up, saying I never care whether my family is broken or anything, what fucking bullshit. That I have no problem always achieving perfection, that I deserved all the beatings I got for not getting 'perfect', I was such an idiot.
It's fine, I said, mourn all you want. And so I cried, from noon to sundown, sunrise to fall. I cried out the weight in my chest, cried myself dry and cried some more. Until my head is light and the ache subsides, until my nose runs and I inhale deep, deep breaths through my mouth, that my body relaxes and I thought I could just die, just like that, with that feeling of strange 'okay'ness, I wouldn't mind.
Then I woke up, got dressed, headed out and stared at the sky for a long time.
I allowed the storm fall from the heavy skies, and although it's not yet a clear sky, the sun rays left a pretty sight of a rainbow.
It was a light, warm, and comfortable feeling.
And you know what?
In the end, no one else can do it. It was I who picked myself up. The only one who fully understood, the extent of intrication and sorrow I dare not tell anyone. The only one who won't mind them all.
like that, I delivered my gratitudes and sorries. It's a long way from being finished, but this is enough for now. You are enough.
You are mighty fine.
There's the fact that I cry at the weirdest moments, at the randomest scene or musical notes, of things I should be smiling about...
I whined to myself, and always scolded myself for being a silly crybaby.
But not that day.
That day, I said enough is enough. Mindlessly, I indulged myself with isolation; the kind of slow, lazy day I dream of; of musics and strange articles and videos of my favorite musician talking about strange stuff, of washing the dishes with no rush, of all the coffee, tea, milk and chocolate I can make for myself, of books and movies I watch alone in an empty house.
I told myself, now we are alone. Now I allow you to feel anything. Now you don't have to hold back.
And I cried.
I cried at everything, at the music and the smiles, penguins and stars and baby giggles and tag games on the mountains. At the identity I shunned, at things I hid away. At the childhood I lost, the family I never had. At the image of partners doing their best against the world. About families supporting each other, about undying love and the purest of expressions. About death and life and everything in between.
I mourned, mourned and mourned, everything that I am, and everything that I am not. Everything that I have, and everything I do not have.
It's alright, I told myself, you can mourn. It's fine if you are upset with the way things are, were.
Since when? I buffed up, saying I never care whether my family is broken or anything, what fucking bullshit. That I have no problem always achieving perfection, that I deserved all the beatings I got for not getting 'perfect', I was such an idiot.
It's fine, I said, mourn all you want. And so I cried, from noon to sundown, sunrise to fall. I cried out the weight in my chest, cried myself dry and cried some more. Until my head is light and the ache subsides, until my nose runs and I inhale deep, deep breaths through my mouth, that my body relaxes and I thought I could just die, just like that, with that feeling of strange 'okay'ness, I wouldn't mind.
Then I woke up, got dressed, headed out and stared at the sky for a long time.
I allowed the storm fall from the heavy skies, and although it's not yet a clear sky, the sun rays left a pretty sight of a rainbow.
It was a light, warm, and comfortable feeling.
And you know what?
In the end, no one else can do it. It was I who picked myself up. The only one who fully understood, the extent of intrication and sorrow I dare not tell anyone. The only one who won't mind them all.
like that, I delivered my gratitudes and sorries. It's a long way from being finished, but this is enough for now. You are enough.
You are mighty fine.
Senin, 12 Agustus 2019
about life and choices
Do you remember when we talked about alternate realities?
If for every choice we could make, there exists a pararrel reality, where things are so much more different, and every reality may be shaped by the choice of countless different lives, did we end up by pure fate, pure accident, right here right now?
If it can be said, the true you exist in one of those realities, that you chose, did both of us choose this? Or am I an alternate me, living in your dream, and you are an alternate you, living in my dream?
Is this the best version of us that we could've been?
There's this story idea I once heard, of what if before we lived, we were given a library where each book tells a different tale, of a live we could have, and as we exist, we may choose one to live in? Well, it's kinda nonsense and unfun too to me because if I already read the whole book then I might as well try a different story for the live adaptation, if all I can watch is one movie. Except maybe if the book is so so good that I am so deeply entranced by it, that I become a fan, but yeah enough about that because apparently now we're steering offroad hahahah. It's a good concept, though.
The concept makes me wonder if Lauh Mahfuz is the same way. The way God knows everything that happens, but we still have free will, does it mean life is some sort of multiplayer visual novel with impossibly intricate story branches, all recorded in The Book?
Well anyway. Just another random ponderings.
If for every choice we could make, there exists a pararrel reality, where things are so much more different, and every reality may be shaped by the choice of countless different lives, did we end up by pure fate, pure accident, right here right now?
If it can be said, the true you exist in one of those realities, that you chose, did both of us choose this? Or am I an alternate me, living in your dream, and you are an alternate you, living in my dream?
Is this the best version of us that we could've been?
There's this story idea I once heard, of what if before we lived, we were given a library where each book tells a different tale, of a live we could have, and as we exist, we may choose one to live in? Well, it's kinda nonsense and unfun too to me because if I already read the whole book then I might as well try a different story for the live adaptation, if all I can watch is one movie. Except maybe if the book is so so good that I am so deeply entranced by it, that I become a fan, but yeah enough about that because apparently now we're steering offroad hahahah. It's a good concept, though.
The concept makes me wonder if Lauh Mahfuz is the same way. The way God knows everything that happens, but we still have free will, does it mean life is some sort of multiplayer visual novel with impossibly intricate story branches, all recorded in The Book?
Well anyway. Just another random ponderings.
Sabtu, 10 Agustus 2019
Jumat, 19 Juli 2019
Bodily Experiences
Oh would you!
I'd go here and there if I could, I would.
I'd pull the trigger, you know I would
I'd jump to the skies, I would
What does this body account for anyway?
The weight made me fall
in a painful, silly way,
and would not
let me
go and split
into a million
shards, dust and
glitters, and empty air
So I giggle and sniffle
watch the tail of my favorite comet
wiggle and trickle
As andromeda spins
Everyone breathes
in huffs of sighs
The plant flairs
and farts oxygen into the air
the particle dancing
into nosey pharynxs
This world is a funny, funny show
Incredible and intricate somehow
so how I wish I could
just sit and watch,
sit and watch.
Quietly, quietly
Minding none of my business.
I'd go here and there if I could, I would.
I'd pull the trigger, you know I would
I'd jump to the skies, I would
What does this body account for anyway?
The weight made me fall
in a painful, silly way,
and would not
let me
go and split
into a million
shards, dust and
glitters, and empty air
So I giggle and sniffle
watch the tail of my favorite comet
wiggle and trickle
As andromeda spins
Everyone breathes
in huffs of sighs
The plant flairs
and farts oxygen into the air
the particle dancing
into nosey pharynxs
This world is a funny, funny show
Incredible and intricate somehow
so how I wish I could
just sit and watch,
sit and watch.
Quietly, quietly
Minding none of my business.
Kamis, 04 Juli 2019
Sabtu, 22 Juni 2019
langit dan bumi
Getaran pita suara, semakin meninggi dan semakin meninggi. Terlanjur tinggi, tak terkontrol lagi. Bila jatuh, mungkin akan kesakitan--begitu takutnya. Begitu tinggi hingga tanah tak terlihat lagi.
Kita makhluk-makhluk angkasa, begitukah?
Turun, turun, mari kita turun. Aku ingin turun. Bantulah aku turun. Agar aku dapat merasakan kembali hijaunya daun dan wanginya tanah. Agar angin yang tinggi dan ribut kepak sayap tak membawa suara kita.
Agar aku dapat mendengarmu lagi.
Kita makhluk-makhluk angkasa, begitukah?
Turun, turun, mari kita turun. Aku ingin turun. Bantulah aku turun. Agar aku dapat merasakan kembali hijaunya daun dan wanginya tanah. Agar angin yang tinggi dan ribut kepak sayap tak membawa suara kita.
Agar aku dapat mendengarmu lagi.
jera
Mungkin memang aku, yang belum kunjung dapat memaafkan. Meskipun mengerti bahwa dendam adalah racun dalam tulang, sebuah siksaan. Terus menerus menyakiti diri sambil berulang bertanya, setengah berteriak, berbisik, penuh amarah, karena kebodohan lama.
''Bagaimana? Sudah jera kan? Kapok? Sudah?"
Tidak, jawabku, makin kuat dan mantap.
Aku tidak mau jera.
Pelan-pelan, ia pun berhenti.
(semoga)
(dan aku akan percaya, aku tidak sebodoh itu)
''Bagaimana? Sudah jera kan? Kapok? Sudah?"
Tidak, jawabku, makin kuat dan mantap.
Aku tidak mau jera.
Pelan-pelan, ia pun berhenti.
(semoga)
(dan aku akan percaya, aku tidak sebodoh itu)
Rabu, 05 Juni 2019
Jatuh
Aku ingin jatuh sedalam dalamnya
Merasakan terbang meski hanya sedetik saja
Aku ingin hancur
Melebur
Menjadi debu
Tiada aku
Kupikir surga adalah tempat tanpa kata
Dimana aku tak lagi merasa
Tempatku dapat terburai
Hinggap bercengkrama
Hingga tak bersisa
Tanpa raga
Tanpa nyawa
Tanpa kata
Tanpa tanya
Merasakan terbang meski hanya sedetik saja
Aku ingin hancur
Melebur
Menjadi debu
Tiada aku
Kupikir surga adalah tempat tanpa kata
Dimana aku tak lagi merasa
Tempatku dapat terburai
Hinggap bercengkrama
Hingga tak bersisa
Tanpa raga
Tanpa nyawa
Tanpa kata
Tanpa tanya
Jumat, 05 April 2019
Kamis, 14 Maret 2019
Kamis, 07 Februari 2019
Life is Getting Exciting I guess
I've never thought I might be doing entrepreneurship but here I am.
I am so excited lately, always on edge. My determination to live freelance for a while crashes with the sudden problems and bills I have to pay and I'm on edge, always anticipating something. Sometimes it makes me unable to perform well I guess.
But I'm very excited to start various business right now. I do realize I might not be the most consistent person though and it may need some work in that aspect but I hope I can do it well.
I'm thinking of making a freelance art studio targeted to regular markets and doing various collaboration with my friends. We're all mostly quite busy but I'll try to make it work!
I'm quite a jack of all trades actually I guess haha. And still not really interested in mastering in one field. Hmm.
It's the age of newly found freedom, and I'll carpe diem
God, I ask for your blessing always.
--bonus : a very soft wallpaperable Bogummy
I am so excited lately, always on edge. My determination to live freelance for a while crashes with the sudden problems and bills I have to pay and I'm on edge, always anticipating something. Sometimes it makes me unable to perform well I guess.
But I'm very excited to start various business right now. I do realize I might not be the most consistent person though and it may need some work in that aspect but I hope I can do it well.
I'm thinking of making a freelance art studio targeted to regular markets and doing various collaboration with my friends. We're all mostly quite busy but I'll try to make it work!
I'm quite a jack of all trades actually I guess haha. And still not really interested in mastering in one field. Hmm.
It's the age of newly found freedom, and I'll carpe diem
God, I ask for your blessing always.
--bonus : a very soft wallpaperable Bogummy
Rabu, 06 Februari 2019
I've always craved the wonder of wanders. The sensation of being lost, without a care in the world.
What if no one minds where I go and what to do for just a while? I sometimes dream of it, going for months without saying anything, sincerely enjoying a journey. I sometimes dream of it, leaving everything behind and starting anew.
What if no one minds where I go and what to do for just a while? I sometimes dream of it, going for months without saying anything, sincerely enjoying a journey. I sometimes dream of it, leaving everything behind and starting anew.
Jumat, 01 Februari 2019
Choco Bibi Appreciation Post
So~! Here we are today with Choco Bibi from ''Hardcore Levelling Warrior'' webtoon. If you ask me why, it's bc HLW is dope and Choco Bibi is just too cute.
Choco Bibi has so many potential and he might be the best support character to have in your team for a game. Those spatial magic skills are just too dope! And smh I like his character design--the weird formal-informal, soldier-wizard look, and his cute signature tele dolls. And that illustration with the flying cushion lmao, definitely much more comfy than broom. He seems to be a chill guy, good sport, and good leader and strategist too.
And he is cute as heck. I also love his signature not-too-cocky-but-cheeky style.
That's all for today with my fangirlingness hehe
Wish people would make him more fanart
Kamis, 17 Januari 2019
How upset does disappointing people make you feel, in scale of 1-100?'
'Hmm.. 85?'
'Then... is there something that makes you feel even more upset?'
'Maybe... people disappointing me.'
'Eh...?'
'Then I will wonder not only about my own existence, but also the validity of my judgement. If everything I did was for the right cause and people.'
'Afterall I only trust and expect from so few. I'll eventually wonder if I can trust anyone at all. Believe in anything at all.'
'Hmm.. 85?'
'Then... is there something that makes you feel even more upset?'
'Maybe... people disappointing me.'
'Eh...?'
'Then I will wonder not only about my own existence, but also the validity of my judgement. If everything I did was for the right cause and people.'
'Afterall I only trust and expect from so few. I'll eventually wonder if I can trust anyone at all. Believe in anything at all.'
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